He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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