and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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