im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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