Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
