why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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