The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
