i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
