I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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