at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
