You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Your penis caused this!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
