Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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