she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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