Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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