Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can I color on your dick again?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize