The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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