I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
