I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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