When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
