Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
