There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
