You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
