Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
