We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
