I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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