my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
