I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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