There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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