I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
