haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
