no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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