The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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