she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
