So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize