Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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