ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
