...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
