I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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