Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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