You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
