I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
