I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
