The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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