I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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