The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
