I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
