The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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