Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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