I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
