I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
