Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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