accomplished twins. life is a go
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
