The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
