Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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