P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
