i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
