I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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